I guess this is how it's supposed to be - Niall Horan

I stand outside his open hospital door, not entering. Why am I here? Why am I wasting my time? What am I doing? I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t bother him. I’m not supposed to care anymore, but I do. Why?

- 1 hour ago -

“Sweetheart.”

I turn around to a safe and calm sound when I see my mom with a very serious expression on her face.

“Mom? Are you alright?” I ask, the fear clearly showing in my voice.

“It’s… It’s Niall. He’s in the hospital.”

- present time -

Niall left me without an explanation. I only got one sign from him, a text. "I miss you, I love you, and I'll never let you go" He left me hurt, sad, and confused. He left me thinking about all the time I’ve wasted. I don’t know what happened, what changed in him, and what made him hurt me. So why am I here? Why am I even trying? Why am I wasting my time on him, knowing he’ll hurt me again? I don’t know. I won’t know. I will never know why I still care about him. I will never understand why I still think about him every day, thinking about how things would have been if I was what he wanted. I want to know the truth, but I’m scared of finding out. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I don’t want to become depressed. I never wanted to be. I don’t want to be sad, I just want to feel happy again.. I’m confused. I’m confused about my feelings. I don’t know what to do anymore, how to act, how to talk, how to keep on living. I loved him, and maybe I still do inside. I feel like no one cares about me anymore. I didn’t want any of my friends to know how I felt after he left me, and it gets harder and harder to smile when everything reminds me of him. What am I doing here? He doesn’t care about me anymore, and he never will. I’m going to mess up again.

I look at Niall. His back is turned to me, and he’s facing the window. I see an IV attached to his hand. Thankfully, he hasn’t noticed me yet. I quietly turn to leave her room but I accidentally bump into a side table. He jumps up and turns around, his eyes widening as he sees me.

“Boobear” He says surprised. He always called me 'Boobear'.

“Um, yeah.” I say, trying not to show I care. “Uh, how are you? What happened?”

“I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t breathe. I tried to get up, but my body felt like it weighs 500 pounds. I tried to yell, but my throat was burning, and I passed out. The next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Oh.” I say.

“Things will be okay.” He says.

I don’t believe him at all.

“I’m glad you’re okay now.” I say.

“Thanks.”

We don’t say anything for a while. There’s an awkward silence between us. Finally, I can’t take it anymore.

“Why?” I ask him, whispering.

He looks up. “Huh? What?”

“Why did you leave me? I still don’t understand.”

I can see the tears in his eyes as he looks at me. I stand there waiting for him to say something.

“I’m sick.”

I look up. “What?”

Tears stream down his face as he repeats herself. “I’m sick.”

I look at him. “What do you mean?”

“I have cancer.”

My heart stops. “No you don’t.” I say, when tears are welling up in my eyes.

He starts to cry even harder. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop it. Stop.” I say.

“I’m serious!” He says with a loud voice.

“Stop it! You’re lying! Stop it!” I'm yelling louder, unaware of the doctor behind me.

“You’re going to have to leave now. We have to give Niall his medication.” He says, pushing me out of the room.

“You’re lying!!” I scream. “He isn’t sick! You’re lying!”

The doctor guides me to the waiting room, where my mom is waiting for me. She sees the doctor pushing me to her, and she takes me to the car. On the way home, I’m still crying, and my mom is whispering sweet words to me.

“Honey, it’s going to be alright.” She says.

“Why didn’t he tell me?” I whisper, while tears are making tracks down my face.

My mom sighs. “He didn’t want you to find out when you were dating. That’s why he left, his body was becoming weaker and weaker and he couldn’t bring himself to tell you. He’s taking this harder then you may think.”

I just nod, too tired to answer. My mom hugs me tight as we get out of the car. I run upstairs, into my room, and I slam the door. I fall on my bed and I cry myself to sleep.

When I wake up, my whole body is aching from last night’s event. My mom comes in my room and she tells me that Niall wants to see me. I sigh and get ready, thinking that I might as well hear the full story.

I knock on his hospital door, and he tells me to come in. I walk in slowly.

“Hi.” He says.

“Hi.” I reply.

“Um, sit down if you’d like.”

I sit down across him. We sit in silence for about 10 minutes, none of us wanting to talk. Finally, he speaks.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, it isn’t your fault.”

“I’m sorry for leaving you without an explanation.”

I don’t say anything.

He sighs. “Look, I don’t understand why you’re taking this thing seriously. I’m sick, and I’m gonna get better. The doctors say I’ll be better soon. I really don’t know why you care so much…”

“You don’t know?” I ask, and he shakes his head.

“It’s because I still love you. You’re the only person who actually made me feel happy and loved. You made me feel like I could ignore all the people who bully me. You helped me live more, you never failed to make me smile. And you left me. Ofcourse I care, I can’t just stop loving you just cause you stopped loving me! It isn’t that easy to forget about all of the memories we shared together. It may be easy for you, but not at all for me.” I say, suddenly realizing what I said. I cover my mouth.

“I never said it was easy…” He says.

“Huh?”

“I never said it was easy to forget. Do you think I left you without a reason? Why do you think I stopped loving you? I still love you. I never stopped.” He says.

“Oh.” I say, blushing bright red. “Sorry.”

“For what?”

“Making things awkward.”

“Aren’t things already awkward?”

“Making things more awkward.”

He laughs and says, “Come here.”

I go to him and he pulls me into a hug. I hug him back, and this time I can’t stop the tears.

“Don’t cry.” He says, while wiping my face.

I blush and wipe my eyes. I moved his chin up so I can look at him, and I smile. I go closer to him and bring my lips to his. He smiles and kisses me back, holding my hand.

I pull away from our kiss, still holding his hand.

“Things will be okay.” He says, smiling.

This time, I actually believed him..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three weeks later Niall passed away. The cancer spread through all of his body and the medicines couldn't cure him anymore. The night before, I remember laying against his warm chest, while holding his hand. When I finally left, I whispered in his ear: "We are forever, I'm never going to let you go."
I kissed him on his cheek and left. How could I have known that this was the last thing I ever said to him? It has been three months since he passed away and I still think about him everyday.
"I miss you, I love you, and I'll never let you go"