07/10/2012; 19:44
You start your explanation – the same one as always; you expect me to listen, even when I know, listening to this one, will make me even more frustrated and hurted then the last one. Can’t she just accept I don’t want to listen to her anymore, cuz I’ll only get sicker of it.
She promises I can do things to make myself feel better, untill I offer something – then, all of a sudden, it won’t be a good thing.
She said to recall the good days, to remember them instead of the bad ones. I don’t know, maybe in her existence there were good ones, but for me there were only the bad ones. Even if I explain she won’t understand, cuz she’ll only hear what she wants to hear.
I don’t want to admit it, but I’m afraid to speak up, certainly at home – just because when I did last time, it didn’t turn out well. Now I’m always careful, not really saying what’s on my mind. If I speak up, she would say now – cuz now nothing bad can happen, cuz I’ll be taken away – that I misunderstood. Well, no bad for me, cuz I don’t want to hear whatsoever is coming out of her mouth! It’s all false. Even if she’s saying she loves me. I can’t and don’t want to believe it. Saying she’s serious only makes more angrier. No matter what she does, she won’t be able to do good for me. Just give it up, just give it up, just give it up.
Sports are good too, a distraction is good, so I don’t have to face home. So I don’t have to remember everything. She blames the appearances of the houses for my troubles, instead of them. That’s what makes me angry. Always saying they’re innocent, always saying everything is misunderstood – I lie, they’re speaking the truth.
Well, thank you very much. I trust you guys very much, too. Always saying I can do things and in the end I have to compromise. I have to talk them, I have to agree with them, I have to like them. What do I have to do else? Do I have my own will? I didn’t think so. Nobody has at home. Does anyone of you have to be afraid about they’re saying to their parents? Really afraid, or hate them instead?
It’s all misunderstood, they cry. She understood, we didn’t do anything wrong. There’s something wrong with her, so can’t you tell? She is the only problem, and that problem’s easily solved by making her stay home and talk to psychologies. So she can be normal and adapted into the family again.
So we’ll talk to her for a while, we make a list about what’s important to say to her; and everything will be solved. So don’t hurt yourself and get better – that’s all we ask. Misunderstood? I, misunderstood?! I think you’re the ones who are misunderstanding me, cuz only your appearances will make me sick, what you say will make me get hurt, the thought of going back to home makes me feel powerless, frustrated and angry, by thinking of you, stress starts to take over my body.
So don’t hurt yourself and get better. What are you telling me? You don’t understand that what you ask from me, is the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. Like this, you’re only breaking me down, or is it me again? Did I misunderstood?
Breaking down now, would be a good thing for them – seeing I listened, seeing I’m going down. Just what I need to do now is acting like I’m not home; watching drama’s listening music as if I’m at a concert. Pretending I’m nowhere near the reality – just like what I’m doing all this week, just to survive… Don’t touch, don’t talk to me, don’t even think about me
Er zijn nog geen reacties.