It wasn't what they told me it would be. You know, a good life, great love. I wasn't loved by much people and I still don't. I don't know why, tho. I got bullied, they laughed at me, they talked about me.
And all I could think of was; 'why is life so hard, why does people like this exist?' I felt useless, ugly, broken. And yeah, I still do. The power and confidence are gone. I have difficult times talking to new people, im to afraid to be alone. I'm to afraid to get a job, I'm to afraid to have important talks with people. Talks which will decide the rest of my life.
In two days it's my birthday. You think I'm excited? Well, I am, a little bit. But only because there are people on the internet who do wish me the best. My family decided not to come on my 16th birthday, a year ago. I was fighting against all the bullying and then nobody showed up there. I was broken and I cried. I cried on my 16th birthday. Well, this year will be the same. The same little club that came a year ago. And one more friend. I'm not looking forward to it. I won't cry, because I'm prepared now.
Two years long I wished myself gone. Because you know, my face won't change. I never will be perfect. I still don't have a boyfriend, probably because of the same thing. This year I got in loads of fights, lost some friends. What is it worth living for you know.
I never dared to cut myself. I wanted it badly, but I couldn't. The pain inside me isn't even gone, I'm still struggling everyday. Trying to be good enough for everybody. That's why I'm so nice to other people. That's why I wished the best for them. Because I don't have a good life, but that doesn't mean others can't have a good life.
I'm so done with my life to be honest. I'm afraid for what will come after I got my diploma. I don't want to know.
There are just two things that will help me through it. It may sound cliché, but yeah it's the truth. The boys helped me through a lot. They have been my life for the past two and a half years. I've made so many 'friends' on twitter and on here. People who actually care about me, or act like it. Without them, the boys, I would have more worse than I am now.
The same goes for this topic, because damn, you guys saved me. I still don't like my life or anything, but the times, the endless times, you all tried to cheer me up. I can't thank you enough for it.
When I wasn't here for a simple two weeks, I had three break downs. I didn't want to leave all those amazing people. This clearly meant that you really are my life and that without you guys, I would have been nothing.
Lang verhaal, maar ik moest dit even kwijt.
Je hoeft het ook niet te lezen, maar ik wou het even ergens dumpen.
[ bericht aangepast op 28 dec 2013 - 3:09 ]
Danmarks Dynamite.
